The Put Down: The Unintentional Conversation Killer
Ever have a conversation that went something like this: Girl: "So what do you do?" You: (About to speak.) Bert: "This guy, all he does is sit at home and play video games all day. I mean he's so lazy his mom still does his laundry." You: (Wanting to give him a slap on the face for making you look bad in front of the girl you're interested in.) Actually, I work with children on developing their confidence through public speaking presentations. Bert: Yeah presentations on how to chase girls all the time!
I think there have been times when we've all met someone like "Bert" in our life. He's the person that seems to always unintentionally insult us. He often means it as a joke, and then when you mention to him that he should stop, he either says "Can't you take a joke" or is defensive about the situation because he's felt like he's been personally attacked. I can tell you from personal experience and from having an older brother that I've felt insulted from the words he says about me. And it stung, and most of the time out of politeness I bit my tongue. Sometimes it has happened with close friends that I have known for a long time and sometimes it's from strangers I've met for only five minutes. Chances are it happens to you all the time as well. Let's look at a few reasons why people do the above scenario. Most of the reasons that people will insult you are because they aren't even aware of what's being said. People will try to insult you because they want to get the approval of the group, and so if they can make the group laugh at your expense they feel like they're in. It's the equivalent of roasting someone during a comedy show.
And when a group does laugh, they get that validation and therefore may even stack another joke on top of this. This may occur when people are meeting someone new and want to fit into the group as soon as possible. An example of this might be "Look at Bert girls, what do you think of his pink shirt girls, I mean come on...Pink? I think the metrosexual look was so last year!" The girls might laugh. "Come on man, dress up like a real guy. Seriously, don't dress like a pansy when you come out!" The girls smile at the insulter. Remember there's no need to insult someone to get approval from the group. If you're a witty person, positive, a good listener and outgoing, you don't need to put down anybody. Sometimes people will insult each other unintentionally because they are competing for a girl or a guy in the group. And in order to do it, they try to make the other one look as bad as possible. You happen to be out at a party. Your good friend introduces you to someone new. She's attractive and you strike up a conversation. Your friend comes along and then goes "Have you met this guy yet? You know he does weed almost every weekend. He practically grows it. Oh by the way I'm Bert.
So who do you know at this party?" Bert is doing this because he's also interested and wants to appear as the better candidate. While there are some dating advice books that advocate that you should insult a person to disqualify them as a potential dating candidate. I truly believe this isn't necessary. When you're meeting people it is much better be truly admired for your charisma. Let's face it Nelson Mandela probably never had to insult anybody to get them to pay attention to him. Then there are times when people don't know they're even insulting someone to begin with. If you ask them why they do it, they don't even know. It's almost become second nature for them just to make fun of people when they talk. These might be the sarcastic types or people who do feel insecure about themselves. Many times these people are not in touch with their emotions and therefore can't explain why well. Don't be surprised if these people get defensive if you confront them about the issue. For example another common scene I see is when two people are being introduced by a mutual friend that the two new acquaintances may decide to bond on embarrassing experiences they've witnessed of the mutual friend.
Friend 1: "That's so funny. I remember there was a time that he wanted to ask this girl out and he just stood there frozen. But he was still drooling. To be honest she was okay looking. "
Friend 2: "I know, what's up with him. I mean I think the girls he goes after are okay looking. Nothing special really." WOOOO...let's stop it there. When someone is kind enough to introduce the two of you together, don't go insulting that person. He's taken the time to introduce you and you end up insulting the guy? What makes you think he'll ever introduce you to any of his friends after that? I sincerely doubt he will again.
I know I wouldn't. Whether the person he introduces you to is interesting or not, don't be ungrateful for the new opportunity to meet someone new. The charismatic suggestion in a situation like that is to ensure that you put a positive spin about the person. There are times when I'm in the situation of Friend 2 where I could stack insults but instead I put a positive spin and try to make people laugh. Here was a real life situation where a group of us were in van. Friend 1: "Hey Ed how come you have so many tools in your van. What are you a terrorist?" (This might seem funny, but it's not very witty, and quite insulting. I don't think a lot of people want to be referred to as a terrorist.) Myself: "Yes, he is. He's a TERRORIST OF LOVE! Right? You are a ladies man!" (In a playful tone.) The response had the whole car laughing, but this is because I changed the insulting comment into a positive comment. If you start practicing this, changing negative statements into positive humorous statements, then you will have understood a big part of being charming. Noticed what I didn't do was stack on the insult in order to try to feel validated as part of the group or with that person. Friendships can break up because of too much insulting that goes on in every day chat. People might be able to put up with it at the start, but over time it becomes frustrating and unforgivable.
I've personally asked people not to invite back their acquaintances and friends because they seem to keep insulting the guests I bring. Now you might be asking yourself, "How do I know if I'm one of those people?" There's usually a few signs that you can follow. You're not being called out by your friends. This may be due to social awkwardness, but sometimes it's because you've been too much of a jerk to them. You only seem comfortable insulting people, and you think by doing that you're being funny. You're friends have told you that you're being rude and you just act defensive. The other thing is that your friend will literally stop talking to you for a while after you've made an insulting comment about him/her. So there might be a strange pause, and she's given you the cold shoulder through out the night. You've been described as overly sarcastic. Being too sarcastic can be at times interpreted as insulting. The best suggestion I can make is for you is to take your time and really analyze what you're saying to other people.
If you find yourself about to say something negative about someone, then you need to stop and ask yourself, what could I say that would sound more charismatic and funny as opposed to an insult? Keep this in mind, just because you don't find what you say offensive, or rude, that doesn't mean another person doesn't. Just remember not everybody shares the exact same sense of humour that you do. Now if you really don't know if you're putting down people unknowingly, then I would suggest you ask some close friends to ask them if you do. Let them know that you want to be a more charming speaker and that you want to correct this area of your life if it does exist. I'm sure you're friends may be hesitant at first, but this absolutely must be fixed if you desire to be a charming conversationalist. Most people I know are generally forgiving for the first few times, but after a while it can be very annoying, and then to the point where someone might blow up in your face. I've found that charismatic people don't need to put down other people to feel that they belong. They don't need a make a joke at someone else's expense. They are confident to talk about themselves and other topics. Charismatic speakers, don't put down people, they bring them up.
Vincent Ng is a conversation coach. He has taught conversation courses to hundreds of people on how to be more charismatic in social and professional environments. He is the author of the book, Art of Conversation: From Small Talk to Deep Conversations, you can visit his website http://www.conversationarts.com
